Dear Patriotism Pimps

An open letter to David Brooks, Ken Mehlman, Cal Thomas, Thomas Sowell, Charles Krauthammer, etc.:

Dear Friends,

Thank you so much for your recent expressions of concern. In this difficult time for our Democratic family, we are heartened by the warm words coming from our Republican brothers. Words like "Defeat-o-crats," "Taliban Democrats," and "blame-America-first Democrats."

In all my America-hating years, I've never seen so much heartfelt sympathy from an opposing party, worried as you are that we might be heading down the McGovernite pathway of electoral defeat. Golly, we wouldn't want to lose an election! We've been doing so well standing by your side as we took peace, freedom, and democracy to Iraq. True, we may not control any branch of the federal government, and we may get barred from midnight budget hearings in Congress now and then, or get left out of a national security briefing on warrantless wiretaps, but it could be worse. We could all be in Gitmo's patriotism prison. But we're not, and we have you to thank. Your generosity has made me so tingly that I want to go give George Bush a hug. Just like Tom Daschle did after 9/11. You know, right before you accused him of aiding the terrorists. Memories!

Like you, we're very worried about the health of dear old "Uncle Joe" up in Connecticut. As we all know, he's had a most unfortunate setback, and he might not make it through the fall. You've probably heard that Joe is suffering from a bad case of the "bipartisan flu," which is usually contracted through excessive contact of the lips to a human posterior. Or, through knees locked too long and left soaking in fecal matter. The doctors aren't really sure which, since all current patients have been found in a state of full grovel and pucker. Anyway, enough of the science! I know, I know, not really your cup of tea.

What you may not know is that Joe's long bout of the flu was preceded by a steady deterioration of his mental health. From what we can tell, it began shortly after his famous vice-presidential debate with Dick Cheney in 2000. After the debate, Uncle Joe wandered the halls of the studio repeating the phrase, "Do you think Dick liked me?" over and over while occasionally banging his head against the floor. No, you're right--we should have told you. That way you could have used it in the campaign and spared us that messy recount business ("Sore Loserman" is STILL funny!). Then you could have offered Joe a cabinet post like he always wanted. So, our bad.

As you might guess, things only got worse after Joe proposed a Department of Homeland Security in the Senate. I can't remember the whole story, but apparently someone came along, stole it, ripped out civil service protections so that Democrats couldn't support it, and then used it as a weapon to mug Max Cleland in the 2002 midterms. Poor guy, lost three limbs in Vietnam, and now all anyone remembers is that he voted to send our daughters as peace offerings to Osama. Uncle Joe couldn't quite understand what happened. He would sit in his rocking chair, rubbing his temples and just moan, "maybe if we threw in social security too!" Well, after that it was all down hill. Why, he started kissing grown men in public--in front of both houses of Congress, for Christ-sake! (Did we tell you that Uncle Jerry converted Joe to fundamentalism? That's why he didn't have enough money left to beat Ned.) Nobody likes that gay stuff, especially PDA. So un-American. Long story short, Uncle Joe didn't just contract the bipartisan flu by accident. He's been engaged in morally questionable "high risk behavior" aggravated by advanced-stage dementia.

Of course, we'd appreciate it if you kept all this quiet. There are beltway careers and reputations at stake here, after all. Keep the skeletons in the closet with the queers, as you like to say! What am I talking about it!? It's you guys! Old buddies! You'd never do anything to take advantage of a situation for partisan advantage. You've never, oh I don't know, misrepresented our positions to score cheap debating points, or accused us of "hating America," or started a pointlessly bloody and protracted war to win an election. That wouldn't have been very "bipartisan," and you guys are nothing if not "bipartisan."

Oh, and give us a call if that "McCain-Lieberman" Party that Brooksy keeps talking about ever materializes. Under the circumstances, Joe won't be able to contribute anything other than his name. So you guys will have to provide all the "big ideas." Sorry about that. We may not be able to carry our full weight in supporting your oh-so-popular-and-successful agenda, but at least we can lend you some political cover. You don't call us "defeat-o-crats" for nothing!

deferentially yours,