Worst Sex Lies, Ever

OK, so FFB has been all sex, all-the-time lately. But you have to admit, the Rev. Ted Haggard's troubles this week highlight even more hypocrisy among the leaders of the religious right (at least Joel Osteen is still clean, although . . . three dollar bill, anyone? Have you seen him on tv?). But more to the point. The worst sex lies, ever. Period.

First, Haggard says that the claims of his accuser are untrue, and he has never spoken to his accuser.

But if you're going to make this work, there can't be any evidence. And then there are those pesky taped phone conversations. If you've heard those, you know that the voice on the tapes is Haggard. I'm not a voice-match expert, but there's little doubt. Oh, yeah.

So, then Haggard changes his story and says that he did talk to his accuser, and that he did so to buy drugs. He bought the meth, sure, but he claims that he threw the meth away and never used it. OK. Not quite "I never inhaled," but pretty strange defense, to be sure. But even so, how, exactly, did Haggard get the accuser's number? Oh, it was a referral, by his hotel. A referral for what? For a massage. (Most Denver hotels don't give referrals for meth buys, it seems.)

OK, let's stop right there. I know some Christian evangelicals, and this is already pushing the limits, if not beyond. A massage? A (gulp) same-sex massage? There's almost a Pulp Fiction moment here, too. Oh, come on, that's not sex. "Would you give me a foot massage?" Because the admission (even) of a same-sex massage is problematic, it seems (to me) like a strange defense to try to make. Oh, I never had sex with him. Just a massage, and some meth, which I didn't use.

So today, or last night, Haggard fessed up to sexual immorality. Well, fuckin' duh.

Some might still like "I did not have sex with that woman. Ms. Lewinsky," as the worst sex lie ever. But we know now that Clinton was just excluding oral sex from his definition of sex. He didn't say, well, I did get a massage from that woman, but that was it. And she sold me some drugs, but I didn't inhale.

And for the Clinton analogy to be perfect, Clinton would have had to have been an advocate for celibacy. And, I think it's universally agreed, he's never been confused for one of those.