God Rebukes American Voters, Smites SD Senator

By JOHN SOLOMON
Washington Post

Sen. Tim Johnson (D-SD) suffered a debilitating brain hemorrhage yesterday while meeting with reporters in Washington. He is currently in critical condition following surgery, and it is unlikely that he will be able to resume his full responsibilities in the Senate. The hemorrhage is a clear sign that God is angry with American voters for having delivered Congress to the Democrats in November's elections.

According to a senior White House official, God could not stomach the prospect of Harry Reid (D-Sin City) controlling the Senate agenda. "Reid once went to a boxing match in Las Vegas while voting on legislation concerning the sport," said the official. "I imagine there were prostitutes present. God disapproved, so he opened up a can of whoop-ass on Johnson. It's the only reasonable explanation."

Other officials and some independent analysts disputed that theory, however. William Kristol, writing for the Weekly Standard, held that it was more likely God was calling for America to increase its troop presence in Iraq: "G-d saw that our strategy in Iraq was working, and He wanted to send a message to both the defeatists in the Baker-Hamilton commission and to the American people, who have been stabbing themselves in the back ever since the November elections." Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) echoed Kristol's view. "Now is not the time to retreat. I hope that Sen. Johnson has now learned his lesson so that God can spare him further public humiliations."

Whatever God's motives for smiting Johnson, both sides agreed that it would be a violation of God's will for South Dakota's Republican governor to nominate a Democrat to replace Johnson. According to the senior White House official, "God has made his preference known, and the American people need to accept His judgment. The Senate was meant to be controlled by Dick Cheney. Anything less would usher in the Apocalypse, which would surely mean fire, death and destruction in Babylon for which the American people would be to blame. Or maybe the Iraqis. I'll get back to you on that."

The smiting has placed much of Washington, D.C. in a state of panic and confusion. Reached for comment, John Boehner, the House Majority Leader added, "It really is staggering. If God would send His wrath upon a South Dakota Democrat, imagine what he's got in store for Nancy Pelosi."