Falwell Sees the Light

St. Petersburg (AP) In a dramatic but not unexpected move, Jerry Falwell has changed his longstanding position on salvation, arguing for the first time that it should not be understood as "selective" but instead as "universal." The reverend's spokesman characterized the shift as less of a change than a "deepening" of his position.

"Consider me surprised," said Falwell, "but who could have guessed that a known Communist like Martin Luther King, Jr., could have made it in. And Gandhi? Gandhi!!?? He's not even a Christian!"

Falwell pressed his case today before the High Court, but appeared to receive skepticism from the justices. Responding to a question from the Chief Justice, Falwell appeared to lose his cool. "Now, listen here, you can't expect me to have know that Jesus had a gay cousin. OK, so he didn't talk badly about gays, but, hello. . . Leviticus?!"

Falwell also faced tough questioning on his profits from The Clinton Chronicles, a popular series of videos in which a collection of racists, con men, and other assorted misfits accused President Bill Clinton of being a mass-murdering cocaine kingpin. "It was a joke between friends," said Falwell. "He'd call me fatso, and I'd sell videos suggesting he was a gay, miscegenating child molester. Then he'd come down to Lynchburg and we'd laugh about it."

Some observers noted that Falwell changed his position on the availability of salvation after seeing that the Clintons were both placed higher on the "good news" list than he was. "We're all sinners," Falwell told the justices. "How about a little more 'mercy' and a little less 'wrath'? It's all about the love, right? Right!?"

A decision of the Court is still pending, although Reverend Falwell conceded that his record with the courts was less than perfect. "If only it was Clarence Thomas up there making the call, I'd feel pretty good right now," he said. "But with these dirty hippies, who knows?"